While I have done a lot on hosting parties, I do want to do a brief section on what to do when attending as well. When attending a party there are many things to consider, but we will talk about it in 5 phases, in order of how the night progresses: accepting the invite, what to wear, when you arrive, and how you eat, and how you end.

First Thing’s first: Accepting the Invitation

            When invited to anything, you should always respond within 48 hours, unless otherwise specified by the host. Some invitations may read that a non-reply within a given time will be taken as a no, but it is still appropriate to formally decline. If you are not sure of your schedule it is your responsibility to let the host know. Always remember that hosting you can be expensive, and it is extremely disheartening for a host to not be sure of who is coming to his party. 

Wearing The Right Attire

            100 years ago rules for attire was extremely clear for men especially. White tie for dinner with the upper class, black tie for a normal dinner, and so on. In the modern day however, it can be a minefield. Depending upon the person you could range anywhere from shorts, to white tie (Though I sincerely doubt white tie will come up). A good host will let you know the attire without being asked (and if he does not you may silently judge him). If he does not list attire on the invite then you may feel free to ask him, or use your best judgement depending on who he is. If he does send it on the invite, then you should absolutely adhere to his request.

If the invite reads white tie or full dress, or black tie, it means you adhere to the rules of that dress without fail (Ladies, that means you are also permitted to wear your tiara should you A: own a tiara, and 2: be married). If the attire reads black tie recommended or optional you should of course wear black tie presuming that you have it (equivalent uniforms of the military, or of your home nation are perfectly acceptable). If you do not own a Tuxedo invest in buying one. If you cannot get it tailored before the event, then you are better to wear a dark grey or black suit that fits you rather than a cheap rental tuxedo.

If you are unsure, go with what you wear to work at the least, and remember: if you show up in white tie to a t-shirt event, your clothes can be a joke about lighthearted eccentricity, but if you show up in a t-shirt to a white tie event, you are the joke.

The Arrival

            While you should be timely in everything you do, generally you do not show up right at the time of the party’s start, as it is awkward to be the only one there. However, you should be there promptly ( you will have to use your best judgement here). There is however a piece of advice I give: the better you know someone the earlier you should show up. This is not a rule, but it is easier to be in a smaller crowd when you know the people there which makes the later comer who don’t often know anyone feel better. Also remember that if there are certain things happening at certain times (like dinner) you should be there for their start.

            Once you do arrive, it is generally expected that your host will have a place for you to hang your coat, umbrella, etc… he will also likely hand you a drink and a place to put up your feet. It is natural for us to refuse someone taking our coat, or other such things in the interest of being polite, but remember people often host parties to show off how much they can pamper their guests. To let them is to let them feel they are succeeding. Though it can be polite to refuse once on certain things.

If You Are Dining

            The rules for sitting and eating are rather simple. Don’t place your elbows on the table. Resting your forearms is perfectly acceptable, but it is a step up in etiquette not to rest them on the table at all. posture is important, and one should adhere to the standing and sitting rules. Ladies excuse themselves to leave the room, and gentlemen do not. Children however, ask to be excused. While bodily noises are fine in the societies of others, they are not acceptable in western culture.

             If it is a multi course meal, then remember: start from the outside and work your way in on the flatware. The butter knife is the small one in close proximity to the butter plate, and the dessert settings are at the top of the place setting. If there is confusion because you pick up a piece for one course that was intended for another, or fail to pick up, it is perfectly acceptable to ask for it to be fixed. However, the best way to solve this, is to follow the host. Remember that your knife is held in your dominant hand, and your fork in the other. There used to be strict rules that in the US, you always cut your meat, then switched the hands your utensils were in to put the food in your mouth, this is extremely dumb. In the UK there were more sensible rules that one’s fork always remained in his left hand and his knife in his right. This makes more sense. However, do to my own deficiencies for holding my left had stable as a tray for things peas or mashed potatoes, I feel it is more elegant to use my right hand for my fork from time to time than to get food all over myself, so long as my right hand does the actual cutting (if I was ever a guest at a place like Buckingham Palace I would adhere to the most strict and traditional rules.)

            There may be multiple glasses at your place. A good host will have a new wine poured and take a sip quickly after everyone else’s glasses are filled, which will give you permission to drink it as well. If the next course comes and the hostess takes more than a minute or so, feel free to drink it, so long as everyone else has been served. You may ask the waiter to continue filling a glass once the party moves onto the next wine, but you may not ask him to fill one early. There was once a rule that one was to hold a glass by the stem, but Queen Elizabeth holds them by the body, which means you may too. That being said, I do recommend holding the glass lower on the body to smudge less.

            A napkin should be put in your lap within twelve seconds of being seated. To leave the table, simply put it somewhere out of the way. When you get up the final time, you should fold it and place it on the table, unless your service was bad, in which case you crumple it up. Note: you should NEVER wear a napkin as a bib.

            when in doubt follow the hostess’ lead.

Departure

            Simply remember to leave at a time that is respectful (whatever that may be) and remember your things. Thank the people for hosting you, and tell others you had a good time. If you have to excuse yourself early, do so gracefully, and if possible, let the host know ahead of time. He may tell you what he prefers.

            The next day you should send a thank you to the host in some form depending on the occasion and how well you know the host: email, text, letter.