About
In my time spent with people ranging from the poor and content, to the rich getting richer, I have found the most annoying people by far to be the social climbers. You can always tell a social climber when you see him. Maybe you won’t know that he’s a social climber, or notice what it is that so annoys you about him, but he will not win your affections. Most people do not know what it is he is doing differently than everyone else, or if there even is anything, but they know they don’t like whatever it is.
As it turns out, humans are acutely affected by social nuance, though not exactly aware of what that difference is. Truth be told: I could not tell you every nuance in behavior between those who belong in the elite, and those who do not, but I can tell you the real difference between them, and it is just that. True gentlemen and ladies always belong where they are, and it comes across. Think about Queen Elizabeth (you’ll find her and her family frequent examples to follow this) she observes the most complex of social intricacies as if they are entirely natural to her. Where as a person of a lower status than those with whom he is speaking may observe all such intricacy, but you can still see the wheels turning in his head as he tries to remember what to do next.
At this point you may be ready to put down this book and move on as I have tried to point out that some people are born better than others, and this is a terrible thing to even read for a minute. This in fact could not be further from the truth. The truth is that some people are born to better circumstances than others, but holding diplomas worth well into the six figures, from prep schools and private universities, to turn around and use that knowledge to teach at one of the poorest schools in the country, I can unequivocally state that the kids at both schools were more or less the same. The primary differences lay elsewhere. Similarly, having been to country clubs with many people who range from all kinds of backgrounds, I can say whether or not they acted the part was due to who they were and not their family background. In fact, one of the greatest things about America is the fact that anyone, from any background can enter any circle with the right combination of capability, hard work, and luck.
In fact, no one is born knowing all the nuance of etiquette and how it is applied, not even Elizabeth Regina. Everyone learns it by thinking about it until it is natural. The difference is she learned it when she was so young she can no longer remember. You clearly have not, else you would not be reading this book. But worry not, etiquette is like any skill, and if you have to intensely think about it now, that is fine, as it will come naturally in due time.
Of course, the question arises: why do I care about dead rules of how I should and shouldn’t behave? The answer rests in the fact that in our day to day lives there is a great deal of ambiguity in terms of how social interactions should take place. 90ish% of etiquette rules are the cultural standard way to deal with such ambiguity and eliminate awkwardness (e.g. who pays for the bill, how do we greet people, when do I arrive at a party.) These questions are answered differently by different cultures, and even differently in subsets of the same culture. Here I will endeavor to answer those questions within the context of how stuffy old white men act. However, that is only 90ish% of the rules of Etiquette in the other 10% are things that are just purely cultural, like standing when a lady enters the room, and of course there are rules that come about to reinforce power dynamics. These are interesting and important in and of themselves, and I touch on them in this book, but certain of them are optional in modern times.
Now we’ve come to the point where you are either over this already, or you are excited to read about how to be pretentious without seeming pretentious. Before we proceed to the actual rules, there are three things I recommend you keep in your mind:
1. You are going to fail at adhering to all of this all at once. Just keep at it and it will become natural in due time.
2. NEVER try to go out of your way to display how polite you are. Subtlety is your friend.
3. Fake it till you make it is a valid strategy.
And an unofficial fourth rule: rules are for the guidance of wise men and the obedience of fools.