I know what you’re thinking: Why is a man writing about tiaras, and moreover, why do I care? The rules around tiaras maybe my strangest fascination, but I find them utterly fascinating, and with any (or maybe a lot of) luck I will bring them back. As for why you should care: I don’t know, but you are reading this now…

          Many of us associate tiaras with royalty and with little girls pretending to be. In reality, Tiaras are not royal prerogative (though Queen Elizabeth does have a large collection), they are a married woman’s prerogative. Though they are only owned by those who can afford them, costing a minimum of $10thousand, any married woman is permitted so long as she or her husband is willing to pay. With that being said, while possible to get a tiara for $10thousand, it is more reasonable to expect to spend $50thousand plus, and the tiaras worn by the true upper class usually cost well into the six figures, with some being completely outlandish like the Duke of Devonshire (note the duke owns it though the duchess wears it) owning one containing 10 pounds of diamonds (easily worth millions).

          Traditionally speaking: Tiaras are family heirlooms, owned by the family, not the individual. It is important to note that tiaras have a strong European tradition, not an American (hence why European heads of state’s and their wives wear them, and I have been unsuccessful in finding a picture of an American first lady wearing one), which is why the traditions make sense if you also understand the tradition of male primogeniture. Traditionally a woman first wears a tiara on her wedding day. On her wedding day she wears a tiara from her family, and thereafter wears one from her husband’s family, to symbolize that the wedding is her changing families. Of course, as tiaras have gone out of vogue, many wealthy families do not have family tiaras. As a result, the tradition of wearing family tiaras on the wedding day has almost fully died with the exception of royal families, as illustrated by the fact that Princess Diana was the last to marry a high ranking member of the royal family who elected (Had) a family tiara to wear, hence why the Queen lent tiaras to the Duchesses of Cambridge and Sussex. The takeaway from all of this, is one should feel fully comfortable in lending a tiara today, or giving one as a gift without caring that they belong to a family.

          There is some question on whether or not it is acceptable to buy a tiara at all. In the first book I read on etiquette How To Greet The Queen: And Other Questions of Modern Etiquette, the author, Caroline Taggart wrote “no one with any claims to good breeding would ever buy a tiara.” This is one of few things on which I wholly disagree with her. My reasoning is because all tiaras were bought at some point. To say you have to inherit a tiara would mean that the elite of the 19th century got to have a field day buying tiaras and having them made, and then tell the rest of us we don’t get to join that club because we missed our chance. In the end, I am an American, and I love my traditions so long as they don’t get in the way of how I want to live my life. If nothing else, I know that no one has to know I bought my wife a tiara.

As for events where it is acceptable to wear tiaras: A state banquet would be the most appropriate, though if I were fortunate enough to go to one I might avoid it as she will likely be the only one wearing it. On a wedding day, as mentioned, a bride wears a tiara, though as it is a daytime function, she is the only one who does. If the day has a long break between wedding and reception for people to change, then in the evening other married female guests may also dawn their tiaras. Generally they are not worn at public events. Therefore the place one would be most likely to actually wear a tiara would be at a private house party. In fact, the rule I put forth would be that a tiara should be worn if the venue is a house. The time to wear one is if the invite to a party, or dinner read white tie or full dress. While black tie is traditionally more casual, I would say it is fine to wear with black tie as well, though I would use some discretion there.

          The last last thing (I promised I would find a way to fit this in the article and utterly failed): when I say Tiara I am talking about a real tiara, made of precious metal and containing precious stones, not a plastic one or one made of tin with rind stones. Those exist to be played with by little girls. A real tiara as mentioned does not have to be as gaudy as the ones owned by The Queen, but it should be real. If you cannot afford one, do not worry. Also remember wearing one is an ordeal, they do not sit atop a ladies head, they are sewn into her hair hence the wires seen underneath. They require perfect posture not to fall off, and they work less well since the advent of conditioner made women’s hair silky smooth. Therefore: either stop conditioning your hair a month out from wearing one, or use hairspray.