Everyone has been to dinner and had a lovely time, only to be washed over with a sense of dread when the check arrives. Of course, the place this most often goes next is towards the tip, which I will not be addressing,[1] because I will be addressing the second form of stress: who gets to take the check? You probably noticed I said who gets to, not who has to take the check. This is because taking the check is in fact an honor. Taking the check is a way of helping out someone else. When we look at it from that perspective, we realize why we want to take the check, but more importantly, why it is often more polite to let someone else pay for us.[2] With all of that being said though, there are generally some rules that guides who takes the check.
The first guiding principle is that the host pays. In other words, if you invite someone to dinner, you expect to pay, and vice versa. This does not mean the first person to say “Lets go to dinner” is on the hook for the bill. In fact, most times people go out to dinner there is no host. It is just a casual affair. It is reasonable to assume there is only a host if there is an occasion for which to host. Even then it is often not clear until a person says it is on him.
There is one place in which the host should be clear, and that is on dates. The person who invites expects to pay. This does not mean the man always pays as some would like to interpret it, and others would find offensive, but that it is a treat from one unto the other. Of course as time goes on in a relationship people should talk and figure out systems for payment as to not break one person’s back financially. However, in general there is someone inviting the other, and in particular, the first few dates tend to be at the invitation of the man in heterosexual couples.
In a meal without a host, there are still some guidelines for who pays. As mentioned, it is often a way of being nice. If someone is between jobs, it is very common for a friend to take the check. The other condition is youth.[3] In particular, when people are young and beginning a career, their older friends and family will cover the bill, for dinner, or an event or any other thing. Again, it is their way of being nice and helping younger people who could pay, but will benefit from a free meal. The young person in question should always reach for his wallet at the same time as his generous elder and let the elder stop him, then tell his elder he can pay, then let it go when the elder insists. If he does not offer or insist, the younger should pay. If he does insist, you should let him pay and of course thank him. It is his way of being generous. The only time you should truly insist is if you have reason to treat him, in which case state the reason you are hosting (e.g. you were so nice to let me stay with you last month. Let me take this). However, you should never allow yourself to get into a fight with them. Having witnessed extensive arguments over checks those are the times people are really uncomfortable, and men are the worst at doing it.
The one time a young person should be prepared to pay is if the older person is doing him/her a favor. In particular, when I was fresh out of college, I met with a great many people to ask them about their experiences and recommendations for my pursuing a career in real estate. When I did that, I always expected to pay, and you should as well. However, being younger, many of them insisted on paying, and as they were older, and making will into the six and seven figures, it was important to make the offer known, and let them correct me, as well as make sure they were sure.
By this point you have certainly noticed that I have focused on the prospective of youth. If you are older, you should expect to be on the other side offering as mentioned unless there is a pressing reason not to. However, from your perspective, if the youth insists on paying for himself, you should not start a fight.
In the event both parties are equal, generally speaking the table splits the check. However, the higher in income people get, the more likely one person will cover it, because the more money someone has the less relevant it becomes. In my experience: people with a lot of money typically alternate pay rather than split each time.
There are two exceptions to the requirement to offer. The first is adults should always foot the bill for children. Mentoring youth in my church, I have never let them pay for themselves. The second is parents and grandparents. It is pretty much accepted that your parents and grandparents will pay for you at lunch or dinner and you will pay for your children and grandchildren. There is not an offer to be made to pay when one goes to dinner with his parents, he rather should let them take it without discussion. There is a right of passage of sorts when a child has made enough money to pay for dinner for his parents and for his grandparents, but that is usually a rare occurrence and not ever an expectation.
There is one final person who must be addressed in this: the salesman. The rule is: seller always pays. It is not an honor for a salesman, but a responsibility. If he belongs to a good company, it will cover his cost. However, many companies are not good. You should always reach for your wallet and let him tell you he is taking the check, but not feel the need to counter offer. Though you should thank him. There was a time that a salesman who let you pay should have been very off-putting, but today that has in many ways died. Instead, sadly, we should see the salesman who pays as good, instead of seeing the salesman who does not as bad. With that being said, if you are selling, you should always pay. There is an exception to be made in that sometimes you may thank a salesman for doing a good job by covering him at the next lunch, but that is not an obligation, as he was paid off the sale. As well there was one other time it has made sense that I have seen, and that is when a friend of mine accidentally left a mark on a $10million cello he was test driving and he felt guilty. While that is a little extreme, I will say if you ever damage something of someone’s you should first offer to pay for repairs, and if he politely declines, you should always at least cover the meal no matter the rules above.
The final detail is a trick a friend of mine recently taught me. If you are intent on taking the check, do not let it get to the table. Hand your credit card to the waiter subtly when you walk in, or find a moment to get up during dinner/lunch/coffee/whatever you are enjoying to take the card. Many people do not do this and let the check get to the table on purpose because there is a battle of egos coming in which they wish to indulge. Do not be that person.
Ordering With Others
This is relatively straight forward, but it should be obvious that if you are running up a bill on someone else’s tab, you are exercising very poor taste, so there are a few things to keep in mind when doing this. If you are going true Dutch and getting separate checks entirely, then there is nothing to worry about with regard to the check. If you are doing an even split: be conscious that you are not ordering something disproportionately expensive. Most people when they go out to dinner will order a relatively cheap drink and limit themselves. You should not meet their frugality by ordering Veuve Cliquot for which they are paying half and getting none. If someone else is paying for you, then it is always acceptable for you to order what you want, as they should never invite you to a place where they are not okay to pay for the most expensive thing on the menu. However, I will often see what the host orders if it is an expensive place and try to get something at least proportional.[4]
With regard to the host: it is his prerogative to order for everyone at the table. In fact some restaurants still have host and guests menus. The difference is the host menu has the prices and the guest menu does not.[5] This is from the tradition of not discussing money to the point that guests should not even know what the host is paying, nor should he be concerned with prices in his order. Therefore, the guests would by tradition give the host their order, and he would order on their behalf. As well it is very common for the host to order drinks for the table, and even to order food for the table without asking what other people want. This is entirely acceptable, and in honesty, I greatly prefer someone else decide what I eat. If this is the case, then the only thing you should be sure to do is make the host aware of any dietary restrictions so you can eat, and he does not pay for something you cannot.
There are of course two exceptions to these rules. First are parents. Parents can tell their children at any time what they can and cannot eat for any reason. Into adulthood, they should not say much on the subject, though parents making sure their children know how disappointed they are that their adult child ordered dessert and is getting fat is not uncommon. As far as money is concerned, my parents would still tell me not to get the most expensive things on the menu, but by this point it is more that I do not order it unless they tell me it is okay.
The second exception is for salesmen. You should never feel bad for letting a salesman pay for the most expensive thing on the menu, even if he is getting the least expensive thing. However, while many companies cover the cost, many others, particularly in real estate, do not. Don’t feel bad letting the young salesman pay for you, but if he is fresh out of school, selling you a house, it is very likely he is paid solely in commission with no reimbursement, and has not yet made all that much. Do not feel the need to pay for him, but try not to be abusive. On the other hand, if he is 45 with a Harvard MBA selling for Goldman Sachs, go ahead and order the Lafite Rothschild you would not pay for on your own dime.
[1] Although I will say tips are really an unethical societal practice as they are used to deceive customers into paying more than they otherwise would, and to pass the care of one’s own employees onto a customer.
[2] Within limits
[3] This also goes with rank. If I have ever been out for dinner or a drink with my boss I have always expected him to pay.
[4] If he is getting the least expensive thing on the menu it would be unreasonable to only be able to get that thing, but it might not be the best idea to get the most expensive thing on the menu.
[5] Though it should still be pretty obvious what is expensive. Don’t think people don’t know better when you order the filet mignon.