The Help
Throughout your life, no matter who you are, you will be required to deal with people whose job it is to serve you. There are ways in which you should and should not relate to them. How you relate to them should stem from two realizations: 1: they are human beings, 2: they are neither your friends nor your guests.
The first of those is the most important. You should always treat human beings with a certain amount of dignity no matter what. You should never treat them in a malicious or mean-spirited way. While it may be their job to help you no matter what, they will not go beyond the confines of the bare minimum to meet that requirement, and more importantly, they are human beings. You should also recognize that imperfection is a quintessential part of being human, and while you have every right to request[1] the mistake be fixed, such results can be reached in a civil manner. The current controller of the Queen’s Household praised the Royal family for being the best at both knowing things are wrong and expecting things be fixed, and acting in a professional manner by allowing their staff to fix things without interference.
The reason for mentioning point number 2 is because it is important to know they are not your friend, and they are not you’re your guest. Having been on the other end of this interaction I can say it is not because the help is less than those who they are helping, but because they are there to do a job. Of course there are two different categories here: those with whom you interact once or twice (waiters, receptionists, doctors, and so on) and those with whom you interact regularly (maids, hairdressers, doctors,[2] and so on).
One Off Services
Starting with the first kind: there is no real relationship; it begins with your order being taken, and ends with your check being signed. Having driven for Über, I can say from experience, I did not care about anything the person in the back seat had to say. There were interesting conversations to be had, but silence worked all the same. Many waiters I have known have much preferred the high end restaurant model where there is no introduction, there is no small talk, there is only service, because they do not care to know or be known by the person eating at their table. The guests are the one’s bothered by it. Especially in America, we are extremely sensitive to the idea of servitude. We are not comfortable with the idea that someone’s job is to serve us, because we think it makes us better than them, so we try to pretend we are manufacturing a relationship in order to solve the cognitive dissonance.
Of course, while it is important to note that a relationship with a one off service provider is not necessary, we should also be aware that there are far too many people who do in fact believe they are better than those serving them. A few years ago I was at a bar with a man who ordered a martini and got a Vesper Martini. He gave a comment back to the bar tender: “A martini has gin, vermouth, and a lemon twist. This has vodka and olives.” Thankfully the 20 year old kid behind the bar said “I’m sorry sir. I will get that fixed right away.” I am not friends with the person who was there with me, as I do not wish to associate with anyone who treats his underlings in that manner. For better or worse it is wrong for anyone in service to talk back to the person he or she is serving[3], and he or she should simply refuse to take it personally (though not see a need to do anything more than the bare minimum for such people) and take consolation in the fact that the guilty’s companions are thinking less of him in that moment.
Long Term Service
Most people have some person to whom they go regularly for service, whether it is a maid, or a hairdresser, or someone else. In these cases, there is actually a relationship of some kind, however it is not often one of friendship. This may seem cold, but it does not mean the person is less than, but quite simply that you’re not going to hang out with the person,[4] because the relationship exists for utility. It is perfectly fine to not feel the need to be close with a repair man, or a maid. However, you should at the very least, know his/her name and make some small talk with him/her here and there. More importantly, you should pay him fairly. On the other hand, you should not feel bad for requiring he do the job to your standard, or firing him when he does not.
You should not treat him badly in the same way you should not treat a waiter badly. I have never seen someone yell at a maid, but it would be entirely unacceptable to do so. Also much like the waiter, in the event that a maid is being mistreated (though with the same restrictions in the above footnote) he/she should never lash back. However, a long term service provider has every right to decide with whom he will and will not do business. This, by the way, will also tell you if you are asking for reasonable things, because if you fire your maid for not cleaning to your standards for your price, and no other maid will clean to your standards for the price you ask, you were probably asking too much.
My Grandmother taught me to have coffee with a maid when you are both in the house together, as it builds a relationship and gives any “servant”[5] a moment to take a break with you, both warming him to you, and giving a minute of rest. It gives you a chance to talk about any business in a more comfortable setting, and to make some small talk, as well as the opportunity to say you need to get back to something, signaling he should too. In the olden days when the upper class had people to dress and undress them, the relationships would be quite intimate. However, the relationship could also be quite one sided. The caring for one another could be quite legitimate, but there was an aspect that a woman would talk to her ladies maid about everything wrong with her, and the ladies maid was never to talk about herself. Even with people who are not dressing and undressing you, you may be getting to know them. I stand firmly against the notion that anyone should have someone to whom he can share all his personal details with no requirement to listen, while expecting complete confidentiality. This is not to say personal details should never be shared, but that you should always give some reciprocation, even if the relationship is by very definition unequal.
Live in Servants are in many ways a thing of the past; however, there are some that do exist. Nannies, and Au pairs quite frequently live with host families. In the event you have one,[6] he should be given a separate room if there is no guest house or garage apartment. That room should be treated as the Nanny’s house. He should never be disturbed unreasonably, and the children should be taught to respect that space. One should take even more care with Au pairs, as they are usually in their late teens and in a foreign country for the first time. They usually need a lot of guidance, but they should also be treated with a certain amount of compassion. They are in a terrifying place, and they have all heard horror stories of families mistreating, asking unreasonable things, and worst of all being sexually harassed by family members. Nannies and even more so, au pairs will often become members of the family in their own right. They often eat with the family, and they often share more intimate stories. This is fine, but do always be aware.
Finally we come to the most important way anyone shows appreciation to hired help: payment. Your maid, your Nanny, your repair man may really like you, but a healthy working relationship does not pay the bills. You should always pay hired help a fair wage, and on a timely fashion.[7] If there is a standard rate, pay it. If you are hiring someone for a job and he already has an employer, ask that employer what he pays, and pay it; do not disrespect the other employer by beating his price. Around Christmas it is customary to give hired help a bonus, or to give a gift; you should. More importantly, you pay someone according to the value he or she provides you, not based on his expenditures. You have no responsibility to pay more because someone needs the money for (name it)[8], but you also have no right to pay someone less because he/she is single, or has low expenses. Furthermore, you have no right to know how he or she spends his or her money. Most important of all, because you write a paycheck for someone does not entitle you to extra work from him, or bad treatment towards him. You should lay out a scope of work when hiring a person and expect it to be done, but if you hire someone to clean, you have no right to ask him to cook for you too.
In Conclusion: if you always remember that the person serving you is a human being, you are not required to be friends.
[1] Or even demand
[2] Doctors are included in both as there are some who are regular and others who are one-time visits. I also include them because doctors are very definitely of a high status, but in the moment (usually many hours after they say the moment will be) they serve you.
[3] With exceptions. In the event a person feels endangered or harassed, particularly sexually, the priority should always be safety. I do not know how a restaurant should handle it exactly, but if I were a restaurant owner, I would have no problem asking a group to leave if they were treating my employees in such a way.
[4] There are exceptions to this for sure. Particularly secretaries, nurses, paralegals tend to develop friendships with their bosses. They may not, and others may be close friends with their help.
[5] I know we are extremely averse to the word servant, but it really is the best word here.
[6] Or any live-in servant for that matter…
[7] Either have a check or cash waiting when he leaves, or if you are sending money through an autopay, have it sent. If your maid comes on Thursday, you send out the check Thursday afternoon, and it takes until Friday to get to his house, then make sure he is aware and alright with that system.
[8] I’m specifically thinking of a friend who kept bailing out her repair man for his gambling debt, and eventually stopped because it was not her responsibility to cover him.