Mourning Time Rituals

            For better or worse the defining characteristic of living is dying. Everyone does it eventually, no matter what your tech loving friends say. In fact: the sooner you accept that you will die, the better off you will be. However, this chapter is not about your death, but rather how you should deal with death in your surroundings.

            Because everyone dies, you will likely know someone who dies, or know someone who experiences the loss that comes with death. If you know someone who dies, then you will be in an entirely different and wildly varying world. There are certain traditions for those who experience loss. The first is of course wearing black for mourning. It is not a show of weakness, but rather a show of deference to display someone has left a hole in your heart. Full mourning involves wearing no color, and as much black as possible. The wearing of a black armband is a classic and perfectly acceptable thing to do.

If you have a friend experiencing loss, then there are certain things you can and should do. First and foremost: remember that the person is likely in a great deal of pain depending upon how close he is to the deceased. Given that, you should be understanding of his being less put together and polite than he might normally be. As a result, you should generally cut him some more slack. Then consider doing some of the following.

Formal Condolences

            You should always be willing to listen, but for many the conversation is repetitive between people, and it is somewhat awkward as well as requiring a certain amount of energy. As a result, you should try to give a person something written. Depending upon how well you knew someone and what they lost it may not need to be a physical letter. For instance, a friend of mine lost her dog and a simple text to say I was sorry to hear about it was welcome. On the other hand, when someone loses a parent, child, spouse, or someone close, and you have the ability, a handwritten letter of condolence is appropriate.

            When writing a letter of condolence to a not too close friend, the most important thing is to convey you are sorry with relative speed and sign off before you outstay your welcome. If you have one, a personal story about the deceased and how he made you laugh or inspired you some time can be a real pick me up for the bereaved. If lacking in such stories, then a simple note about your prayers being with someone, or how you went through something similar when a loved one died is fine. In reality it is not about the note, it is about making those who have experienced loss feel as if the ones they’ve lost were loved and as if they are not alone. It was a strange source of pride for my mother to see how many letters were sent following my grandfather’s death.

            When sending condolences, you should never send a gift. I can’t explain why, it’s just a bad idea. However, sending flowers or food is not a bad idea. The one thing I suggest is with regard to the fact that most people send comfort food to the mourning. It’s not that that is bad, but I have listened to people complaining that they wished someone would show up with lasagna instead of more cookies.

Funerals

            There are certain events you should not attend unless you are invited. Funerals are not one of them. Many people at funerals want to see large turnouts as a way of seeing how many people their loved ones have touched. As for what to expect at a funeral that can vary from person to person.

            There was once a time with complex ritual around death, and for good reason. There was a beauty in it, but you are not likely to encounter such things now. Where one used to wear black mourning coat to a funeral, and give up champagne and partying for 12 days after, that is no longer the case. In fact, the trend as of late has been to celebrate life instead of mourn loss. This is largely possible because people are living longer (People can be happy when a 90 year old’s funeral because he/she lead a good life, but there is no joy at the funeral of a child).

What to Wear to a Funeral

            When attending a funeral in the past one would wear mourning coat, with a black vest and tie, and a white shirt. Now that is much less likely. Many funerals have become more casual, but formality is never bad when honoring life.

            The best thing to wear is a black suit, black shoes, white shirt, and dark or black tie. (Not a tuxedo mind you as those are for happy occasions.) You should not however find yourself buying clothes for a funeral, and certainly not renting them for any occasion. If you do not have pieces then go with the darkest grey suit you have, and if you have not black shoes then brown will suffice. However, you should generally just have a white dress shirt, dark tie, and leather shoes of some kind. You should also have a white dress shirt, dark tie, dark suit, and black leather shoes in your wardrobe anyway.

            If you don’t have any of those things, then just try to wear the darkest, nicest clothes you have. As The Profit Mohamad once said: “Profess your faith while standing, if unable while sitting, if unable while laying down.” In other words, do the best you can.

Funeral Lines

            In the south it is still not uncommon to stop when a funeral line passes you, even when you are not in the way, as a sign of deference. Having witnessed it from the inside of the funeral, it can be comforting to see, however unnecessary. However, one should always stop to avoid breaking the funeral line on the road. Having been in a funeral line that was broken I cannot tell you how disheartening it was the the mother of the deceased. I know it is not rational that she saw it as a personal affront, but rational is too much to expect from someone on the day she buries her son.