Picking Your Nose

          To answer your question, no this article is not about picking your nose. It is titled that because of the old saying: “It is almost as rude to pick your nose as to tell someone else not to pick his nose.” In other words: you should never correct another person and certainly not in public. As George Washington put it in his rules of civility “Reprehend not the imperfections of others for that belongs to Parents Masters and Superiours.” We are civilized people, and we should recognize that it is not our place to embarrasse others over small mistakes, nor is it our responsibility to be sure someone else’s mean spirit is seen by others.

           We do not correct others in public, we merely judge them silently,[1] and unless someone is causing harm or distress to another, we let it go. And if it is minimal we often change the subject. When at a party, someone brought up warfare in a way that bothered my godfather, a former soldier, and he was able to steer the conversation away just fine without making a show. Had he not been able to do so, his next statement would have simply been: I was a soldier and I would rather talk about something else. The latter is a little more embarrassing for everyone, so the former was what he did first. I will however note that being direct can be necessary as I cannot tell you how many people in my own life have responded to my obvious reluctance in talking about a subject by prodding deeper and more aggressively (also be on the lookout for topics people want to avoid in order not to be the one who prods into topics others would rather avoid).

          It is also important to note that the rule of not correcting others extends to children. Unless you are in a position to correct a child, it is not your job, though there is a little more leeway with children if another adult isn’t immediately present, but it is not much leeway. You should also, ALWAYS, leave final authority over a child with the parents unless they are literally abusing the child in front of you. Similarly, I am not a fan of profanity in public, but in the event someone tries to correct your child with you present, you are fully entitled, in my opinion, to inform them that they should mind their own business without care for saving them their blushes.

          While we know it is wrong to correct others in public, there are many who do not, and inevitably, someone will try to correct you in front of others. I know what you’re thinking: “I am not going to make any mistakes,” and to that I say: You will. I also say you don’t have to make a mistake for someone to try to correct you. When I was fresh out of college in my first job I asked a colleague if she would “do me a favor and grab my computer” as she was walking past it. Her response was: “grab your computer…” If you have never interacted with a parent and his/her 5 year old, the word for which she was waiting was please. There was nothing wrong at all with the way I asked. Even though the word please was missing, the sentiment was there in spades. She was trying to make herself feel bigger by knocking me down, and she was doing it in front of a great many colleagues. The reason I bring this up is not for therapy, but because the proper response was not to say that please was not necessary, nor was it to tell her she was being mean, nor was it to say please. I got up and got my computer from the table myself without complaint. When people treat you rudely, or try to correct you in front of others, you do what you are supposed to do without worry for them. You do not meet attempted humiliation with attempted humiliation.

          The last thing of which to take note about being corrected, is what to do if it continues. The first thing to recognize is if someone feels the need to correct you enough that it needs addressing, then that person is probably what we would call a bully. That same woman who tried to make me say please to her in front of everyone else continued to do things like that throughout all of our work together. It reached the point that I had to bring it up to her, and she still did not stop, because she did not care about my behavior, she was trying to make herself feel better. The same is likely true of anyone who does that. Even if they legitimately think they are trying to help you, then never underestimate the human ability for the mental gymnastics required to never make a change. Even those who love you will surprise you by convincing themselves they love you enough to do things that clearly cause you distress. (Note: this is all assuming you are actually not doing anything wrong, or the corrections are of asinine things.) The answer is not to lash back, but to do your best not to let it bother you, and trust that the people around you will see what is happening.

          In conclusion, don’t correct people who you have no right to correct. If you do have a right to correct someone, don’t do it in public, and if you find yourself on the receiving end of this impropriety: don’t make a show of it, just keep on going and trust others to see the truth.